Stars of May
by LindsC33
Summary: "You do so many things to help people and the city, but it's the things you can't do that stay with you." Mac seeks out comfort from Stella after the Clay Dobson case


Summary: "You do so many things to help people and the city, but it's the things you can't do that stay with you." Based on 3x22 Cold Reveal.

Disclaimer: Don't own Mac or Stella. TPTB at CBS do

A/N: Though this episode dealt with Stella's past at St. Basil's, this OS picks up at the end of the episode after Mac is confronted at gun point by the father of one of Clay Dobson's victims. Pretend that Peyton does not exist. Words in quoted italics taken from the episode. This is the first eppy OS I have written so please leave me your feedback.

**Stars of May**

Stella groaned as a soft knock on her door meant that she would have to get up off her couch, where she had just spent the last 10 minutes making herself comfortable. As she neared the door, her gut told her the only person who could be on the other side was Mac. The last couple of days had been tough on her normally calm and collected partner with the Dobson case, and his solid reputation on the line. As a result, he had closed himself off in typical Mac Taylor fashion. He refused to open up, even to her.

That had angered her at first. She could understand Mac not wanting to open up to many people about what had happened on the roof but he hadn't offered her a single word about the incident or the investigation. He had put on his steel shoulders and decided to once again, carry this load on his shoulders.

She opened the door; her assumption correct that it was Mac. However, instead of finding the hard-edged, tight lipped detective of the last few days, she noticed his face was flushed, his heart was racing, and his blue eyes cloudy, holding a mix of emotions.

"I'm sorry to bother you Stell….but I, I..I needed some place where I was welcome."

A bit confused at his response, she stepped aside and led him to her couch. She knew the case had taken its toll and a pending internal affairs investigation hadn't helped matters. The media backlash and department gossip only sent more bullets in Mac's direction. However, she knew without a doubt that he didn't push Dobson off the roof; Mac always took the straight and narrow path for justice. She had seen a different side of Mac. It was an almost defiant side-not the kind of defiance see had seen from suspects over the years- but something a bit different that she couldn't put her finger on.

The Mac that walked into her apartment seemed anything but defiant. He sagged into the couch, shoulders slumped, their steel support gone. He had caught Stella's concerned look as she led him inside but he couldn't meet her gaze.

"Mac, you OK?" Stella asked hesitantly.

Mac fidgeted. He took a deep breath to try to slow his heart rate down and relax from the events that just unfolded but still remained silent.

"Mac?"

"Why is it, that there are some jobs where you just can't afford to make mistakes; where even the slightest action can alter events for someone else? Why is it that in this job, we are always scrutinized, always questioned?"

Stella saw that his eyes held guilt, but also held pain. _Was Mac confessing? Did he actually push Dobson off the roof?_

"Mac, what are you saying?"

"I was just confronted on the street by the father of one of Clay Dobson's victims."

Mac told Stella the story of the grief stricken father who pulled a gun on Mac.

"_Because of you I will never find her. He knew where she was. But you killed him."_

"_Now that he's dead, I'll never get her back."_

"_Only he knows where he buried her. But you took that from me."_

"_I'll never get to say goodbye."_

"I didn't kill Dobson Stella. I was angry and wanted to bring him to justice, but I would never go beyond the law. But in that moment, as that father expelled all his grief, I couldn't tell him that. There was nothing I could say to help ease his pain. In that moment, instead of seeing an NYPD detective who was supposed to provide justice, he saw one that denied him that."

Stella grabbed Mac's hand, squeezing it reassuringly, wanting him to continue as she was unsure of what to say.

"If I could take back going after Dobson the way I did, I would. I would have waited for Flack. If I had done that, the situation would have turned out differently and this father's grief may have been in some way lessened. You do so many things to help people and the city, but it's the things you can't do that stay with you," Mac's voice died out.

Stella guided Mac's head to her shoulder and gently massaged his scalp. Here was her partner, who could easily brush most things aside, and move on, but was unable to do so in this moment. Instead of being concerned about an internal investigation, he was consumed with grief over how his action's affected this victim's father. She was relieved he was OK, relieved he was opening up to her, relieved he was human.

In all the years Stella had worked with Mac, she had known him to make mistakes. They had all made mistakes. But the chance at redemption allowed them to reconcile those mistakes and Mac himself had always been the one to be sure to fix the mistakes he made. Mac had reopened a case that seemed airtight to retest DNA on a hammer that ultimately set Quinn Sullivan free. It was Mac who personally made it his mission to get Mike Prineman his job back after he was fired for talking to Mac and Stella about the murder of Paddy Dolan. But it dawned on her that he felt that he couldn't redeem himself on this one.

"Mac, you know we aren't perfect. We just have to bounce back stronger when we do make mistakes. But I know this one is harder because you feel you can't make this one right."

Mac remained silent. Stella was right. It was hard because he couldn't help this father. In a morbid way, it would have been better if he had pulled that trigger so Mac wouldn't have to keep seeing the anguish and pain in his eyes and keep wondering if his pursuit of justice would deny it for someone else.

"We are allowed to make mistakes in this job Mac. But when we do, this job requires us to do more; to go above and beyond. It requires us to pick ourselves up and to continue to strive for justice. And though you can't personally make the situation right with this father, you can go back out there and bring justice for others. To not do that, would make it even harder on our victim's families-to know we have thrown in the towel completely. And there are by far, more things you have done for this city, for justice, than the things you haven't done."

Mac glanced at Stella and for the first time in three days, offered a smile. Her presence and words were just what he needed and he was mentally kicking himself for shutting her out the last few trying days. He would not make that mistake again. With her help, he had always bounced back, from losing Claire and now this. He may not be perfect, but with her help, he would always bounce back.


End file.
